“Shut up Stedman! This is my world you’re just a squirrel looking for a nut. I’m rich, bitch!”

For some reason I’ve been busier than usual this week and I’ve found myself working on the computer or folding laundry late in the evening. In most TV markets Jimmy Kimmel Live follows the ubiquitous Nightline (my preference at 10:35), but in Chicago the city is afraid of Oprah raining a Godzilla like destruction down on the populace, so the local ABC affiliate jams her gab fest between Nightline and JKL*. Having suffered through a few recent episodes I’ve come to the conclusion that Oprah is a unabashed man-hater and the main message to her audience seems to be, "screw the family, screw the kids, you’re husband’s a jerk, you need to focus on yourself." Just what the America needs, a daily affirmation of selfishness. One episode featured the ex-Mrs. Lance Armstrong bitching about how she had a great relationship, but she lost her "self" over time. She whined and whined about how she needed to be more selfish about her needs and she spent too much time on Lance’s needs. The rest of the hour focused on the idea that the reduced ability to be selfish was a big downer in a marriage. Of course Oprah is the expert on how to have a successful marriage or raise your kids, even though she hasn’t attempted either. (By the way, do you think Op has Stedman’s balls in a jar, or does she wear them around her neck?) Here’s a tip on how to have a successful long-term relationship/marriage that you won’t see on Oprah: It’s no longer just about you, it’s about us. It’s like being on a team; success is measured when the team accomplishes something, not the individual. It’s a simple as making decisions with the best interest of the team in mind. The concept of losing or sacrificing your "self" is a poison pill to a successful relationship, to be successful you have to think in terms of advancing the cause for the common good. Having a kid reinforces the importance of thinking in terms of "what’s good for my family" as opposed to "what’s good for myself."

The other theme on Oprah seems to be, "I’m rich, bitch". Oprah takes the show to her private gardens on her Santa Barbara estate. See Oprah take her dogs to the spa. Oprah owns half of Oahu. Oprah eats $25 brownies and makes oatmeal cookies with $50 dough, how extravagant! What a great life Oprah leads, always able to think about herself and restoring her spirit. An episode all about how many shoes Op has and how big her closets are? Really? What a lucky audience. See Op party with her rich friends as she throws her Legends Ball. (I think the idea of Oprah’s Legends Ball is eerily similar to the Player’s Ball seen in the Hughes brother’s classic "American Pimp" (someday this blog will examine the legendary pimp Mr. Whitefolks and his plans for the Million Mac March)). Anyway, that’s my beef with Op. In my opinion she’s not doing much besides dishing out a daily dose of dissatisfaction to her legions of American housewives.

* JKL is the best late night comedy/variety show on tv. Leno was never funny (anyone else remember the Leno/Mr. Miyagi (moment of silence) vehicle "Collision Course"?) and Dave has lost a step over the years (his old NBC show is the measuring stick). I’ve never understood Conan’s appeal; I feel the same about the Simpsons. As a matter of fact, I’ll bet that being a Simpson’s fan correlates with being a Conan fan (other signs include an unhealthy fascination with Monty Python, Star Trek, BBC comedies, etc.), it also correlates with being a smug dork who doesn’t understand what is and isn’t funny, but I digress. Craig Ferguson….who? JKL is the only show that is pushing the envelope and coming up with consistently funny, fresh material. I dare anyone to dispute this.