Lawyers and the art of splitting the difference…

Lawyers often get a bad rap, and I have one theory why that is, besides the myriad of personality flaws that they often possess. Here’s the deal… lawyers don’t have any legitimate emotional involvement in your case. Legal disputes rarely, if ever, have clear cut winners and losers. In my experience, the vast majority of disputes are solved by negotiating a settlement between the aggrieved parties, that, when done correctly, will disappoint both parties. Once you contact a lawyer to settle your dispute it is in the lawyers best interest to dispose of the case as quickly as possible with the most efficient and positive outcome for the lawyer and their client. For this reason alone using the legal system to solve these disputes should be a tactic of last resort, especially if you are hoping to recover money as opposed to some sort of injunction. Time is money, time is money, time is money. No barrister worth his salt is going to waste time fighting tooth and nail to get every last dime from your adversary. Every dollar that is eventually collected has a cost attached to collecting it. For example, let’s say you hire someone to complete $4000 worth of work for you and, very stupidly, you agree to pay the amount upfront. Of course the guy you contracted with never shows up and you’re out $4Gs. He doesn’t return your calls and e-mails and now you’re in a tough spot. 4 grand may not be a lot for some people, but it is for you, so you have to try to get it back.

Now you face a decision, one option is to hire a lawyer and threaten the guy with court. Of course, unless their your relative, no decent lawyer is really going to spend too much time fighting for $4000… they know this and so does the lawyer your adversary had to hire to defend himself. So the guy who didn’t do the work offers you 35 to 45 cents on the dollar and your super pissed, because the only fair thing is for you to receive the original $4Gs plus interest. But your lawyer is telling you to take the offer even though you don’t want to, and eventually you do. You might negotiate your way to 50 cents on the dollar but that’s about it. Why did this happen? You have to look at the issue from the barrister’s perspective, he spent a few hours looking at the facts and negotiating with the other lawyer to come up with your $2000 settlement offer. If you decide to play hardball and not take the offer your lawyer is going to have to bust his ass for a much longer period to, maybe, get the additional $2000. Then again he might bust his ass and end up with $1200, or even nothing. Lawyers also know that you’re full of shit, don’t feel bad everyone is, it’s the proverbial "one side of the story". They know that when presented with arguments from both sides no judge will give you all of the $4000. So the lawyer negotiates a $2000 settlement, your not happy about not getting the whole amount and the other guy is mad that he has to cut a $2000 check and pay his lawyer. In the end, everyone but the lawyers is unsatisfied.

The other option is to go down to the local sports store and pick up a wood baseball bat (aluminum will bend if you hit something with enough force, and then you’re stuck with a wet noodle), or head to the hardware store for an axe handle ("nothing like a good piece of hickory" – the Pale Rider). You also might want to wrap the handle in tape for a better grip. Now apply the chosen implement to the appendages of the guy that stole your money. In the end you’ll get your money back and at least one person from the original dispute will be satisfied with the outcome. Raging vandalism (do you know bologna will remove the paint from a car?) will also work for the more passive aggressive out there. You won’t get your $$ back via vandalism, but if done right, satisfaction is guaranteed.

Hall of Shame: White Sox Fans

White Sox Fans suck. I gave the Sox fans too much respect when I moved to Chicago. I thought their constant complaining and griping were the hallmarks of savvy fans displaying their ire for not winning the world series since WW1. I respected what I perceived to be intelligence because it was so opposed to many of the sheople that follow the Cubs. Then the Sox won the world series and I thought all should be well in sox fanville. Man was I wrong. Sox fans started bitching around May and continued throughout the season, clearly violating the 5-year "we just won a World Championship so no griping" pass afforded to all teams with intelligent fans. For this the Sox fans have been interred in the New Cuts hall of shame. For all the gratitude they’ve shown they deserve to wait another 90 years before another world series win. Maybe they should start selling those foam cheeseheads at the cell, they would match nicely with all the whine.

Television Manifesto

Television is often described by the cultural elite* as the entertainment venue of the great unwashed masses. The medium is unfairly maligned for certain, so-called, low-brow aspects of the available programs. Other media and entertainment outlets like NPR (broadcasting in 50,000 watts from the top of the ivory tower) decry television because it’s clearly causing the downfall of our society. These are the same things people said about Shakespeare in 1600. Who do you think attended the Globe Theatre back in the day? Not the cultural elites, that’s for sure. From my perspective the most easily accessible form of entertainment for the average person provides the best examples of pertinent social and political commentary. In London of 1601, the theatres on the south bank of the Thames provided easily accessible entertainment, and in the present day United States television is the most accessible form of entertainment for the normal person. What the cultural elite failed to pick up on is that television, whether they watch it or not, will offer future generation of scholars the clearest picture into our culture, at least until the internet makes television obsolete, much like television ganked radio. That being said I will grant the cultural elite one point, the actual television set, like the radio, newspaper, magazines, and mail, often serves as a conduit for rampant advertising, a much more important culprit in the purported downfall of our society. Of course, if the cultural elite would just get a TiVo* they could avoid the traditional advertising altogether.

* For the purposes of this manifest the cultural elite include the neo-luddites that decry the advent of the television. You know these people. They love telling everyone how much tv they don’t watch, with as much condescension heaped on top as they can possibly manage. They can be young or old, rich or poor, but in their own mind they all maintain the "elite" position above the rest of us.

* If TiVo was a religion I would belong to the evangelical part. If you don’t have a TiVo you need to get one, and no, a cable company DVR is not even close to the same thing.

The following is a collection of current programming that I, a 32 yo, white, 6 foot, left-leaning with a dash of libertarian thrown in for fun, expensively educated, married/father, mortgageowner, rice-burner driving, mow my own lawn, federal, state, and local tax payer find particularly worthwhile. The following programs are in no particular order and I grouped them by genre (most of these shows are also available, sans commercial interruption, on DVD). Enjoy:

Comedic Fiction

The Office – NBC
Steve Carell’s American adaptation of the wildly over-rated BBC original is brilliantly funny every single episode. Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute are two of the greatest characters I’ve come across on a comedy. The drive the "funny" of the show much like Woody (Cheers), Larry and the 2 Darryls (Newhart), and Kosmo Kramer (Seinfeld) did on their respective shows. This show should be on everyone’s can’t miss list.

My Name is Earl – NBC
The characters and writing on Earl are tremendous. The show is funny on a weekly basis and the acting is top notch. Crabman is quickly closing in on the pantheon of great tv characters.

Dramatic Fiction

The Wire –HBO
I can’t figure out why more people don’t watch the, hands down, most compelling show on television. This show has everything, great writing, scathing social commentary, and compelling characters played by great actors. If you don’t watch the Wire you should be ashamed, o.k. maybe "ashamed" is a little strong, but this show is so good it’s a close call. After years of cajoling I finally convinced my brother to watch this show, I guarantee he loves it and I guarantee you will too. Run, don’t walk to your most convenient dvd outlet and buy or rent the first season. You’ll thank me when you do.

Lost – ABC
If a plane crashes into a tropical island populated by polar bears, mysterious creatures, an insane marooned french woman and others does it make a sound? Who knows, and it doesn’t matter, just like all the other mysteries that turn into bigger mysteries on Lost. I find this show hella-entertaining, but I am concerned for it’s future because I’m convinced the writers have no idea where it’s going or how it will get there. You have to satiate the curiosity of the viewers sooner or later and shows that have to draaaaagggg out the answers to the "big questions" (see X Files) will always languish in the long run, frequently offering little or no substantive answers to the "big questions" the show is based on. But right now, today, none of that conjecture matters because Lost is a great show. Watch it.

24 –Fox
The exploits of Jack Bauer and his cohorts at CTU are always entertaining. This show has been good from episode one. The producers deserve credit for sticking to the real time format while the show gained traction with the viewing public. This show’s willingness to kill off substantial characters in the interest of the story is also unique and makes for a great viewing experience.

MI-5 (aka Spooks) – BBC (A&E on american cable)
MI-5 was a precursor for 24. This very well-done show brings the viewer into the dangerous world of anti-terrorism from the perspective of the british. 24 has unabashedly stolen many of their concepts from this show, but MI-5 offers a more cerebral brand of terror fighting in addition to the straight up ass-kicking and shooting the bad guys that dominates 24.

Reality

Survivor – CBS
Survivor is the grand-daddy of this genre. The concept of this show, coupled with the producers knack for casting compelling characters, makes for a great show every time around. Survivor brought reality into prominence on the big broadcast networks and it still stand as the best of the genre on broadcast tv.

Real World/Road Rules – MTV
If Survivor is the grand-daddy these shows are the great grandpappy. These shows were the originators and innovators of the genre and they and their offspring have created a mini programming dynasty in the wake of their success. These shows have changed dramatically from the original Real World’s cast of somewhat regular people living in a nice, but not extravagant, NYC apartment, to the current crop of hollywood wanna-bes ensconsed in a waterfront mansion, but it still works. The definition of a guilty pleasure.

Big Brother – CBS
CBS’s annual summertime reality franchise is always entertaining. The cast is almost always exclusively despicable, but they’re still fun too watch. Dr. Will from season 2 and the all-star edition is the best character in this genre.

Sports – Everywhere
Is there anything more real that sporting events? Sure there is, but sports are pretty damn entertaining. Fall brings us the annual cornucopia of NFL and NCAA football and the World Series. Winter brings college and professional basketball and the occasional hockey game. Springtime brings the NBA and NHL finals. And every 2 years we get to behold the grandeur of the olympic games. Sprinkle in some auto racing, the golf majors, and some alpine skiing and you’ve got yourself covered.

Variety

Jimmy Kimmel Live – ABC
Variety used to be a strong category, featuring the likes of David Letterman and Saturday Night Live, but there is really only one viable high-quality option on the air right now, Jimmy Kimmel Live. The first 20 minutes of JKL are consistently uproariously funny. JKL has been on Season Pass status on my TiVo since it’s premiere and it looks like it will stay there for a long time.

Commentary/Politics/News

60 Minutes – CBS
60 Minutes is really the only network newsmagazine show that is worthwhile. The actually cover news and present important information, and they’ve been doing it a long time. And it immediately follows NFL football which makes it easy to watch without ever having to change the channel.

NOW – PBS
This left-leaning weekly news show always presents interesting information regarding stories that might not be getting the appropriate amount of coverage from traditional news sources. It is a worthwhile stop while you meander the program guide.

The Daily Show/Colbert Report v. Fox News
Wry political commentary and satire, often presented with sensationalized stories from both the right (Fox News) and the left (TDS/CR). The only catch is that Fox News purports itself to be an outlet for actual news and respected journalism, which is hilarious, while TDS/CR is overtly satirical and humorous, which is also funny. TDS/CR simply takes facts, mixes in some fiction, and presents it as news, while Fox News takes fiction with a pinch of facts and presents it as news. You could say they are like two sides of the same coin.